Monday, August 17, 2009

Core of Self: Unapologetic


I've been thinking recently about how I identify myself and how I have related to other people for years..

I often find myself in a role of looking for assurance from the people around myself. Am I okay. Am I lovable. Is my existence worth something to them? Do I often try to impress them, or share a piece of who I am with them from this locus?
In my life this search for assurance has taken on so many forms. And I realize that even my personality is (slightly) altered depending upon who I am with. Often their energy sways my energy; and I try to fit in with them.. This isn't' the case always. I do not think I do this so much with my husband, or when I already feel accepted and loved.

Alas, though, when I do not get this assurance; I wonder about my own value-or feel hurt that I don't think I am liked. (Isn't this silly) It is not who I want to be.. I should not depend so much on assurance from other people.

I want a strong "core" I would love to not care so much what others think. I "know" I have value. I am proud of who I am and where I have taken my life. I don't think everyone is proud of me..I don't think everyone respects that I chose to be a stay at home mom at this point in my life. I don't think everyone appreciates that I am really into gardening, violin, my kids..care about what goes into our bodies, into the air, the soil, etc.. I think many people might not even agree with the principles of my Faith/and or the things I choose not to do for my faith such as not drinking alcohol.

Many people may look down on how I parent...That I believe in nurturing them/the relationship.I also do not believe in over-scheduling them (but we are still busy) I am also not always a die-hard disciplinarian...I also know I'm protective of them.. perhaps too much.

There are so many points where someone could disagree or look down on how I choose to live/raise my children, etc.. I can do the same thing, probably do...Seems inside our "shell" we think we are doing things in a "better" way. I am living and raising my children in the best way I know how, within my own conscience...and I am not saying it is better than anyone else's way. but I am so often plagued by the "feeling" that I am not approved of.. I wish I could be like Philip Glass and just laugh at the criticism-see it as a sign I am doing something right. And I pray that my children grow up to be okay, well-adjusted, etc..


Inside my heart, I am not apologetic. I am on this path honestly...and I adapt as my children grow...as I learn better.. Some of my "protectiveness" is making way to encouraging their autonomy, independence. I am NOT set in stone.. I have changed so much in this journey and I continue to change when I feel the path is "right" for me..when it seems I am doing the "right" thing. But I hate skepticism/and or competition...it drains me..especially when a part of me is looking so hard for assurance..the skepticism hurts. I already know I'm not perfect. I am doing the best I can. And sometimes I long to hear "I'm doing just fine" and that my children are doing just fine, etc..

I'm rambling.. But I suppose that is the point of the blog. It is the journal I am willing to share. Personal, but not too private. (-;


In any case, I wish for a stronger core..one that is not swayed..I think it is stronger from just realizing the limitation of "seeking assurance" from other people. I don't want that to be the place where I am coming from. I wish to transcend that. Perhaps I already am transcending that..I can see myself leaving that limitation behind..flying above it to something else more solid and real..

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