Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Solitude Detox

Sometimes a little solitude is a good thing..

I had a really hard day on Sunday.

I was fighting a cold, a fatiguing cold..but life does not stop for that.  My daughter had just turned seven and I needed  to push through the planning/cleaning/prep for her party on Saturday morning.

  The help that I had been promised on Friday was late in arriving and it made me feel vulnerable-vulnerable because I was truly depending on the help.   I hated that I couldn't pull it off without it.

 That is not even to say how much I hate having someone else clean my house..moving things around, even changing how I have it organized... It sets me on edge.. knowing things won't be where I may find them.

The stress of planning, cleaning, and worrying about how it would all pull together, and then implementing the actual party while feeling physically compromised caused me to crash on Sunday in a very emotional way.

I found myself with a very thin skin and I was easily offended.  I ended up crying, completely exhausting myself Sunday morning.  I thought I needed someone to talk to about it..so I attempted to reach out to a friend via phone and text, but she was unreachable.

  No one to talk to, really.. There are not too many people I feel comfortable with sharing myself with in this type of exhausted melt-down.  And I found I was alone in finding comfort.  Even my husband who can be sympathetic was not in a place to console me either. He was just as tired/spent/on edge as I was.

So, what do you do when there is no one to talk to?

As a teen, I had multiple girl friends to call on if one was not available..It seemed I usually had someone to talk to.  As an adult, I have found it increasingly more difficult to vent to someone.  And now, I worry of burdening that friend..being too dramatic..afraid of pushing that friend away.  Too many times, I have spoken out of not my best thinking; sharing too many uncensored thoughts that were perhaps too negative at the time.  Friendships seem less and less unconditional lately..  Feel  I need to hold back my ventings more and more...Perhaps it is me.?  And then I find myself wondering if I am lovable if this side of myself is revealed?  

But, really, the issues I was releasing that day, were not about friendship. The issue of not having someone to talk to, was really a muddying of what I was coping with..  And really, it was all more about being tired and accepting I can't do it all (letting go of control)-than anything..

I don't even think it is important to intellecutalize it..figure out what it was about(how un-counselor of me)..I could spend a lot of time trying to figure out what triggered it all (but in this case, I do not have the luxury to go down that road)..Ultimately, I feel I do not need to find a theme for my issue(s) at this time..

Simply being tired is enough--and that is what sent everything to the surface and the fatigue forced to me release some emotions I had been suppressing. (which is a good thing, actually...)

 I had myself an emotional detox..and perhaps it was good that I did not vent to anyone that day.   Perhaps, it was not that venting that I truly needed...but a detox...Not a chance for my mind to figure it out, but rather a symbolic release of it, whatever it was.

I cried at how much I wanted my mom that day..  the comfort in the pain of releasing those hurt/toxic feelings..the process of it.  Like being in a sweat lodge..(not that I've been in one), but how I imagine it.  I wanted her to hold me like a child again...I felt her close in my heart, knowing that if she could, she would hold me through this painful process...

What I ended up doing was crying. Then when the tears were done, I went outside, and in that time outside, I ran into other people.  And because I did not know them very well, those conversations stayed positive, and in that positivity, I started to feel better.  It was a beautiful day..and the sun and the people, were healing to me.

It turned out, that I did not really need to vent to a friend, what really helped was that cry and then the walk, and the chance to talk to people I encountered.  I was alone in my pain, but I was not alone.  I had my mom in my mind and heart, and I had the sweet encounters I found with friends from the neighborhood.

Perhaps if I had talked to my friend, I would have spent the time complaining and burdening her.. It may not have helped as much as that walk did.  This is not to say, that I advocate "not reaching out"..but when that option is not available, it is not the end of the world, and it was comforting to realize this.

So, sometimes, it is not the worst thing in the world to not have a friend to talk to when feeling down..Sometimes, just being with other people, that serendipitously cross your path, is enough.

And I think something happened when I was forced to release those feelings and cope with it as I did..It let go of some of the "crummies"..like sweating out toxins..  It feels they are mostly gone and in their place is something else..I feel more opened up..to what and who is around me..  So, sometimes, it is good to cry, and to have a day that is really hard..this day, unexpectedly was a gift.

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