Monday, October 22, 2012

An Anorexic House

The Perfect Female Body Image. What comes into your mind?  The image that comes into my mind makes me angry. Is this picture the societal imposed image or what I think is healthy?  Where does this image come from?  Do I need to aspire to it?  When I think of that body; I know it is unachievable to me, at 39 after 3 children/c sections, without devoting a huge chunk of attention and time into it at least, and if I did that, where would that leave my 3 kids, and to what end?  Certainly, all that time, is not necessary to have a healthy body.  Some time is certainly needed to devote to exercise and a healthy diet, but not the amount of attention it would need to achieve this ideal body image.  I might become more appealing to others. I might be taken more seriously if I looked like that, but how much is that worth?  How much time away from being present with my kids is that worth? 

I do not always think about how I look, but I do worry about how my home looks. People come into my home, who I know must look down on me.  I know it must look like I do not often clean-up, but in reality, I spend a great deal of time, doing dishes and cleaning up from  meal prep, that I often have to neglect other parts of the house until the weekend.  My children are getting back into helping, but even then, my home will never have a super-model looking body.  I see those homes often.  I have no idea how they do it.  To me, it seems like they must be magicians..  It is a standard, I could not even come close to attaining, even if I had the time to do it.  I think I would be more interested in creative endeavors than the upkeep of such a perfect body-home.  I admire the peacefulness of the perfection of it, much like I appreciate the movie star beauty when I watch a movie, but to me, if I am to even try to attain it, I will fall far short.  And why do I want to try toward that kind of perfection.  It is not my story or strength, I fear. (for some it may truly be their strength and natural ability and to those I wish not to offend) Some people truly are supermodels by nature..and that is a dream to most, but the ordinary who cannot attain it, who neither have the body frame or disposition, it is painful to feel "less than" in comparison to an impossible goal.  It is not everyone's path to be beautiful  (or to have a pristinely beautily perpetually clean home)

I clean as well as I can with the time I have.  I cleaned all day this past Sunday.  Still, even at that labor my home is still mediocre clean. It is not my strength.  It is not my gift at this point in my life as I have 3 very eager undoers in the house..4 if you count my husband who leaves food out and chips to go stale all the time.  LOL.  7 if you count the 3 pets leaving bird carcasses and poop all over our outdoor spaces.  (I don't count myself because I always clean up after myself perfectly (teehee)) 

In any case, my home is like my body, a little soft, but mostly healthy, I think/hope...well, actually it could be healthier and  my home cleaner..and less cluttered..and my body more exercised and fed fewer cookies and coffee.  I am still striving to figure it out and be more organized, and more exercised, but I just don't think I am going to be a supermodel..  And my home is not going to look like the Jones..probably ever, unless I become really rich and can pay someone to clean it for me who will do a much better job. 

I am however, tired of feeling ashamed for not being a supermodel housekeeper. Even if I am one of those stay at home moms...(and should be able to be like one of those really super moms who have those sparkly suburbia homes and homemade cookies on the table for the kids after school)     I do my best, but sometimes I would rather write or knit or talk to my kids or host a playdate than make my home perfect.  In my life, time and energy are in short supply.  I cannot spend every spare moment cleaning just so I can look like I have it all together..seem more credible..feel more worthy...I would be angry bitchy woman/mom if I tired..and I have, and been on days I have tried to be that.  I can't do that to my that person.  without being angry and resentful of the time always sacrificed.  (for what?)  to achieve that almost impossible anorexic like home. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

Attachment Parenting and Honoring Solitude

I have never been one hundred percent sold on attachment parenting, but I was never much of a fan of having babies cry it out either. Our children co-slept when it was needed, and they slept on their own when co-sleeping was not helpful.  I always believed in adapting to what seemed to be truly healthy for all of us. (Including the marital relationship) i have breastfed with a similar philosophy. My son. (My first) nursed until I reached 20 weeks pregnant with my second child. (He was 18 mos) My second child I nursed until she was just shy of 3 and before starting preschool. My third child is 20 mos. And still nursing as long as it seems ok. I believe that the relationship is very important, the bonding, etc, however, I also believe there are times when meeting all their needs is actually unhealthy for them.  I don't think we as humans ever fully feel satisfied or have all our needs met and sometimes the needing and the longing helps push us to reach out to finding our own ways.  The discomfort is useful for growth. I want my children to be safe and happy, but I also want them to have coping skills that will help them with some of the cruelty they most certain The best I ly will encounter in this world. I cannot protect them fully from that. The best I can do is to help them develop the skills they need.

Our oldest children shared a room for 5 years. It made sense, they provided security and companionship for each other. They are only 22 months apart, but lately they have been needing space away from each other..I have been thinking about that in relation or in contrast to attachment parenting. Being alone has a lot of value. I understand this as an only child. In my solitude moments, I had time to reflect.. That time was extremely important. Now that my children are older they need opportunities for quiet and thought and meditation.. It is a shift for them, but it became apparent that this was a need for them. So, sometimes attachment is very important, but on the other side, so is opportunity for solitude as well.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Portland Tribune article on the new magazine and creator

Portland Tribune and Community Newspapers - New journal takes parenthood head-on:

'via Blog this'


I am a published author. I have always wanted to say that!  (-;

The kickstarter was successful and the magazine was funded, and I decided to bite the bullet and try to write something with all I had. I decided to commit to one piece that I would be willing to polish and achingly revise and even "let go of" so that I could accept feedback to make this as good as I could.  With some of that assistance of editing, they accepted my piece and I am happy that I "tried".  I wanted to see if I could..  and childlike I feel in the success, "I did it!"  

On my bucketlist is to write at least one book, but now that I really think about it, it would actually be my dream to do this for my career, going back to my roots of when I was eight and wrote my own "book of my life"  inspired by Laura Ingalls Wilder.  (does that sound cliche?)  How do I articulate that writing has always been how I best articulate myself and make sense of the random thoughts floating in an out of my brain. In person, I stumble upon my words, shyness sometimes overcomes me.  (still) 

And I actually believe that I am insightful enough about life..  (Gardner's--"Intrapersonal" in my way of processing the world to do this.. (on a good day)  

Still, time is extremely limited right now.  I have two windows in my day, nap time, and after the kids are asleep.  That last window is not always a guarantee.  (I must also put time into my relationship with my husband and sometimes kids do not want to go to sleep)  The last few months, I have used that window to knit which has been such great therapy/and self-esteem building for me.  It is hard to put it aside to do anything else.

I have been neglectful of my blog, mainly because I have been knitting, and now, I am not entirely happy submitting mediocre posts (I have had a taste of creating something "attemptedly" artful.)  Even now, I feel that I am writing something mediocre.  I want to write something better than this!  

Still, I have to go back to writing each day, exercising..If I do not, my writing brain turns to moosh.  

Yet, again, this blog may be shifting and morphing into something new.  


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