Monday, October 22, 2012

An Anorexic House

The Perfect Female Body Image. What comes into your mind?  The image that comes into my mind makes me angry. Is this picture the societal imposed image or what I think is healthy?  Where does this image come from?  Do I need to aspire to it?  When I think of that body; I know it is unachievable to me, at 39 after 3 children/c sections, without devoting a huge chunk of attention and time into it at least, and if I did that, where would that leave my 3 kids, and to what end?  Certainly, all that time, is not necessary to have a healthy body.  Some time is certainly needed to devote to exercise and a healthy diet, but not the amount of attention it would need to achieve this ideal body image.  I might become more appealing to others. I might be taken more seriously if I looked like that, but how much is that worth?  How much time away from being present with my kids is that worth? 

I do not always think about how I look, but I do worry about how my home looks. People come into my home, who I know must look down on me.  I know it must look like I do not often clean-up, but in reality, I spend a great deal of time, doing dishes and cleaning up from  meal prep, that I often have to neglect other parts of the house until the weekend.  My children are getting back into helping, but even then, my home will never have a super-model looking body.  I see those homes often.  I have no idea how they do it.  To me, it seems like they must be magicians..  It is a standard, I could not even come close to attaining, even if I had the time to do it.  I think I would be more interested in creative endeavors than the upkeep of such a perfect body-home.  I admire the peacefulness of the perfection of it, much like I appreciate the movie star beauty when I watch a movie, but to me, if I am to even try to attain it, I will fall far short.  And why do I want to try toward that kind of perfection.  It is not my story or strength, I fear. (for some it may truly be their strength and natural ability and to those I wish not to offend) Some people truly are supermodels by nature..and that is a dream to most, but the ordinary who cannot attain it, who neither have the body frame or disposition, it is painful to feel "less than" in comparison to an impossible goal.  It is not everyone's path to be beautiful  (or to have a pristinely beautily perpetually clean home)

I clean as well as I can with the time I have.  I cleaned all day this past Sunday.  Still, even at that labor my home is still mediocre clean. It is not my strength.  It is not my gift at this point in my life as I have 3 very eager undoers in the house..4 if you count my husband who leaves food out and chips to go stale all the time.  LOL.  7 if you count the 3 pets leaving bird carcasses and poop all over our outdoor spaces.  (I don't count myself because I always clean up after myself perfectly (teehee)) 

In any case, my home is like my body, a little soft, but mostly healthy, I think/hope...well, actually it could be healthier and  my home cleaner..and less cluttered..and my body more exercised and fed fewer cookies and coffee.  I am still striving to figure it out and be more organized, and more exercised, but I just don't think I am going to be a supermodel..  And my home is not going to look like the Jones..probably ever, unless I become really rich and can pay someone to clean it for me who will do a much better job. 

I am however, tired of feeling ashamed for not being a supermodel housekeeper. Even if I am one of those stay at home moms...(and should be able to be like one of those really super moms who have those sparkly suburbia homes and homemade cookies on the table for the kids after school)     I do my best, but sometimes I would rather write or knit or talk to my kids or host a playdate than make my home perfect.  In my life, time and energy are in short supply.  I cannot spend every spare moment cleaning just so I can look like I have it all together..seem more credible..feel more worthy...I would be angry bitchy woman/mom if I tired..and I have, and been on days I have tried to be that.  I can't do that to my family..be that person.  without being angry and resentful of the time always sacrificed.  (for what?)  to achieve that almost impossible anorexic like home. 

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