Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Brainstorming the next step

All my stolen moments these days are in knitting (and Ifinally made a quilt that still needs its final touches)  For some reason I am at a standstill with my writing.  I am not sure why. I suppose a feeling of unworthiness has been tainting my efforts.  I did write an essay about my mom, about losing her and I think I may post it here. I think that I have held back from writing because I want to be a "better" writer than I am.  Somehow, I feel very adolescent when I look at my words on the page.  Writing can be ripped apart. It is often transparent of the person writing.  I suddenly realized just how naked it makes me when I put my words down on a page.  I am full of imperfections and I do not always want the world to see this. I do not want to settle for first draft quality writing on my blog, yet, when I think about creating polished works, I feel intimidated and "get stuck" and stop writing.  I have such a little amount of free time right now, that often during that free time, I am more drawn to knitting this past year.  There is something about the crafting that is more rewarding to me presently.  You make it, it is enjoyable and relaxing and challenging, and you can see the result. It is less ambiguous.  There are faults, but they are complicated.  And when you see the faults, you can perfect them better in the next project.

Still, I think of myself as a writer.  Perhaps not an award winner writer, but nonetheless, a writer just the same.  I am thinking about creating fiction, but I am not sure how to begin. I need a story that I think is worthy to tell.  Something perhaps for adolescents.

I have very little to show other than my one publication and this blog...and hundreds and hundreds of pages of journal writing since 1981, some poetry, and. college essays too, I suppose..

I am not sure I want this to be "about me" anymore.  It needs to be more than that.. It needs to not be about my seeking approval or admiration. It needs to actually be helpful and inspiring. Go beyond the "me" and be a place of inspiration for other people.

But I cannot remove the "me" entirely.  This is personal. This is a personal journey.  This is a journal too.  I think the personal part is how we connect with each other. The writer and the reader.  and our humanity.


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