Sunday, March 16, 2014

Homeschooling Family Now

Three weeks ago, my daughter began homeschooling as well.  She wanted to be on the "band-wagon" I believe in what I am doing, but it scares me and I have some trepidation to be honest.  A part of me wants the quiet time six hours. A part of me wonders if I will ever be able to have a career. A part of me feels trapped.  Right now it takes a large portion of my mind.  I worry if I am covering enough with them or being too lenient or indulging too much into one topic.

We spent this past month learning about African American History.  My kids now know some key figures. They know what the underground railroad is, segregation, The Civil War. They have also been studying Ocelots and Cheetahs.  We are finishing those units with projects; an essay, and a poster.  They have both been working on fractions on differing levels.  My son is running everyday with the goal of pushing himself to run for longer/farther. My daughter is learning yoga moves.  We are studying the Baha'i Hidden Words 2-3 times a week.

Last week, they were sick and we covered less and were pretty isolated.  I am trying to shake this feeling of end of the winter depression.  It is also like having another child.  Suddenly my life is even less of my own.  It isn't enough to simply supervise my children.  I need to make sure they are learning and becoming the best they can.  There is this ongoing battle of the screen-time.  Minecraft takes up so much of my son's mind.  It is what he looks forward to every day; and it isn't always serving him.  Sometimes, it is isolating and vegetative. It is not the worse game in the world, and it taps some active creativity; but it is addictive.

I am struggling with what I think I am giving up.  There is even less time now to think about being a writer; less time to work on the craft; and I am feeling more and more like I need time off--to compensate for being always "on"--  This may be part of the balance that can take a year to adjust to.   I also feel a loss--a loss of the school community we have been a part of for six years--having that end mid-year is painful to me.  My children do not seem to miss it at all.

Then there is my youngest daughter who is three now and refusing to use the potty. She has it in her mind that the objective is to stop going alltogether.  This is a stressful thing for her to decide to to--My goal with her is keeping her hydrated enough so "holding it"  is not possible.  She is very good at sticking to her guns, though.

I am not feeling very inspiring or inspired right now.  I am grateful my husband is giving me a rest this weekend as much as possible. I am feeling a huge burn-out..and I am trying to figure out what I need to I can keep going on.

I sometimes think of the people who survived or died in the major Tsunami--  I picture trying to hold my childrens' hands keeping myself and them from being carried out to oblivion.  I can imagine the fatigue after awhile--but just trying to hold on--trying to hold on and hoping I can hold on long enough to keep them safe.

I wonder if I'd be able to hold on long enough or have the strength to keep holding on during something like that.

Sometimes it feels like that, though...Day after day..All that needs to be done. All who need to be cared for.  The intensity of it.  It seems to be the right thing to do (for now)--But I'm not totally sure.  It feels like jumping off of a cliff.  Do I really know what I am doing?  What if they get behind?  I'm scared.  They say they are happy.  I'm not sure I am yet..  I feel a loss..

I want to have a magically inspiring experience to report right now. I don't feel that yet..  I feel just sad..  What if this was not the right thing to do?  What if I am just giving in to my kids?  What if I am feeding into their own fears or avoidance of facing difficult things?

I am not doing this to avoid life.  I don't want them to avoid difficulties.  I am doing this because I want them to enjoy learning and be inspired..rather than feeling like learning is painful..  But what if this is avoidance for them?

I am doing this because there is so much potential here, for them to REALLY learn!  But I'm not sure if that is happening yet?  In the educations system, there are checks and balances and ways to measure this learning.  I am not quite doing it like that...Well, that is what the reports are for--

It is hard doing this with another child on board who has very different needs. Am I meeting her needs?  I made flubber and am trying to find things for her too.  It is not the easy road for me..That is for sure.  By nature I am an introvert, and I just signed on for having my kids need me even more--Needing to meet their educations needs now; when that part seemed to be taken care of when they spent 6 hours in a...not brick building.  Now its on my shoulders.  And it stresses me out a bit.  At times it is wonderful, but right now, as I am adjusting, I feel the weight of the responsibility and the work.

I hope hope hope this is a successful experience ultimately.  I do have a feeling it is not easy the first year, though..(or so I've heard)


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