Saturday, September 26, 2015

This is how we are Poor

There is a lot I feel grateful for.  Our home, our children, our family, food on the table.  We are not affluent financially; we are middle class mostly living paycheck to paycheck, but we are lucky, and I do not want to dismiss what we have.

But, when I am having a hard day and need someone to talk to; I am very selective with the people I am comfortable with in being able to share the really hard things; the hard things I would never post on Facebook or here.  As much as I am grateful for, there are issues.  Everyone has them.  I am so afraid of burdening anyone or being "dramatic" that if I sense  there is the slightest hesitation when I open my mouth, I will not share.  I will walk away from it.  The last thing I want is to be judged or be a burden to anyone, or for anyone to think I am not justified for feeling as I feel, or if I am wrong; or if they discover how faulted I am, etc..  I am one of those people who quickly do not share if I smell judgment.

But, no one is perfect.  Not even close.

So there are many of those bad days; and I rarely broadcast what it is that makes those days truly hard. I may hint or share an issue that is humorous or shareable, but I cannot share the parts that should only be shared in person, with close friends and family.

I honestly only have ONE person I share things with outside of my husband in this phase of my life.  

If she were of monetary value, she is the one dollar I hold in my hand, but I often find myself thinking that if I truly think I have any worth, I will let it go, too.  Not because she isn't awesome, but because she I don't think has room for me.

My whole life before being married, I always had people to confide in; and we reciprocated.  I have always been open to friends who wish to confide in me.

I suppose, there should be more people I could talk to, but so many people I think would judge or be too quick to give advice.  Most people seem to be that way.   And I don't know what is wrong, but most people in my life do not reciprocate even childcare/ hosting kids, let alone friendship.

So, there is this one rare gem I can occasionally confide in, but I do not feel like I am a gem to her..  Or if I am, I am of the "many" that she has, and in that sense, I am just a coin, rather than a gem.

The thing is, she is one of those people who are "full"  I call her, and rarely does she even answer her phone.  And in truth, it often takes three days or a week for her to call me back (if she does at all).

This is how I am poor.  When I am in pain, I really have no one to talk to.  Often my husband is working or busy and I cannot talk to him when he is, either, as is the case right now.  He is too busy, and my friend, I have called twice in the past 3 days, and she has not answered or called me back yet. 

I think a story I heard not long ago, about how a new mother died in her car here in Oregon.  She committed suicide with her child.  She was severely depressed.  Was it like this for her too? Was she subtle and afraid to ask?  

Don't worry, I'm not saying I am even close to that desperate, but I am feeling extremely isolated from friendship; and I share this only because I think many people feel this way too.

We have so much in our society, but we are so poor in other ways.  

This friend, who takes 3 days to call me back, as her normal.  That is not a friendship.  Not really.  She is kind enough to eventually call back, and I do not wish to hold it against her that I need her confidence more than she needs mine.  I do not begrudge her.  But I also realize that this is not the kind of friendship I really need when I find myself questioning my place in it all the time.  I am so poor that this is the best I have; and that currently I cannot think of anyone I can cry with. I feel like I am alone in a forest. In this case, it is alone in a city.  (but I guess being alone is not always bad and can even be good)

This is a hard day, though; and it hurts; and I just want to be able to talk about it and I feel alone with it.

But pain is not always shared.  Pain is pain, and I am not the only one in pain at this very moment, feeling alone in it.  Pain is a part of life.  And sometimes we have to just endure it; even alone.  I don't want to endure it alone, but I am thinking many people have to "suck it up" too.  How many people at this very moment are alone in their pain?

So, if you are out there an in pain, too.  What do you do when there is no one available to talk to?  

No one to even be aware of what you are experiencing?  What is your consolation?  

I guess, for now, writing helps.  And tomorrow is another day, yes?  It will pass. One more day.  This one is almost done.  Like a headache; this too will pass. 

And this is my poverty.  Poverty has to be endured all of the world, and it is endured.  This is small compared to physically starving or feeling unsafe.  This is small.  so very small...  yet it does hurt, and sometimes feeling alone can be unendurable, too..  Perhaps it doesn't have to be.  Being alone is not always bad.  What is it that makes it seem like I need to share this with someone?

I will be okay; and if you are relating to this; you will too; and virtually, perhaps, if you are reading this, I am not alone, and neither are you.

I am forty-two and still wishing for a mom when I am hurting.  And sometimes, I have to be my own mom.  We probably all have to be at some point.  


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