Major Changes

 I had almost abandoned this blog.  Who reads them anymore?   I am going to try to resist being snarky and going down a rabbit hole of why we might not read blogs very much anymore.  I am instead going to focus on my intent for this post and that is to start this new trajectory for repurposing this blog.

I do not have much of a "homestead" in the sense it was 5 or 10 years ago.   I am not growing food or spending hours in the kitchen anymore.  I am not being as good about trying to live sustainably.   I regret that.   I do still care.  Very much. I still agree that we SHOULD all be on that path.  Because we are not living in sustainable ways.  

Here I am in this place in time; however, in as honest of a way as I can (publicly) without sharing TOO much as the internet can be a very judgmental place.  

The NEW trajectory for my blog is still aligned with it being a Time Capsule as it was from the very beginning of when I created it.   I am now 49 years old.  My children are 19, 17, and 11.  Not so much children anymore.  We are no longer homeschooling.  In fact, my son has graduated, and my middle child is about to graduate.  I did what I thought I would never do, enrolled my youngest in (public) middle school.  The reason I didn't want to enroll any of my kids in public middle school is because of how mean kids can be at that age.   I found; however, that even in small homeschool charters, there are still very difficult issues to deal with but without some of the larger activities and supports.  I both loved and hated that charter school experience.  (That was 4 years of our lives)  Those 4 years were some of the hardest years I have ever experienced in my life.  (to this point)

And after 19 years of being a stay at home/creative/photographer, etc I am back to work in the public school system. Thirty hours a week, I am in the classroom as a special education instructional assistant and I like my job and I like the school I am working in.  

Where do I stand politically, religiously now?

I think I have always leaned towards being fairly liberal in many ways.  Not in any kind of "free fall" anyone can define reality way..  But in the way, that I think morality should not involve itself in people's sexual identities or sex life.. I have this growing feeling that a lot of organized religion has the intent of keeping patriarchy alive in controlling women and their bodies. I also think that morality has more to do with kindness to our planet and to each other than it has anything to do with being pure in any kind of sexual way.   I do not think if someone realizes they are gay or transgender, it harms anyone.   What really harms people are bigoted assholes who want to take away the rights of anyone who is not a white CIS male.   And I am angry about that.  I am also becoming aware more and more what silencing is..and erasing is.   How those opinions outside of the white/male/CIS patriarchy are silenced and erased.  So many ways.   And I am angry about that too.   

I also have the words of Elie Wiesel in my mind: 

“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe.”

I was raised to try to be neutral and walk the middle line, but I find myself questioning that now.   Trump was a horrible president.   He was a dictator narcissist bigot.  There I said it and I don't apologize for it.   I cannot pretend or fake any respect for a leader .. who does not deserve to be called a leader.  I do not stand by that sorry excuse for a human fetid leech.  

I feel it is wrong to pretend to respect someone like that. 

However, there are better uses of my time than to spend too much of it ranting about him or putting any more energy mentioning him.

I also believe human rights extends to not only BIPOC but also to the LGBTQ+ community and leaving any of them out is another form of erasing/silencing.

There, I said that, too.

Now that is established; I am switching to another topic which actually quite congruent with this new theme of my blog.

ADHD.  

In the second grade I was held back because I daydreamed.  Too much stimulus also makes me sleepy.   The humm of so many voices around me, makes me zone out.  Overwhelm by a lot of people makes me go into myself.   Ironic I studied to become a teacher isn't it?  I do love children very much and I want to make lives better.   The "spacing out" is what is HARD sometimes; and I drink a lot of coffee to compensate that to keep myself "present."  Not only does having ADHD make this a challenge, but I am also HOH (Hard of Hearing)--I cannot hear well at all without my hearing aids.  

Disclaimer: I am not formally diagnosed with ADHD, but it makes so much sense to me that I have always had it.

Another side of ADHD--HYPERFOCUS.   Being hyper-focused on something makes me feel joy.  I LOVE learning.   I love learning about things and how to do things.

It is painful to be interrupted when I am in a hyper-focus state.  It also takes a lot of effort to find that state especially with (cleaning).   My house is a mess..  I am not a good housecleaner/keeper.

I have a hard time getting myself to "start" to clean.  Once I am a hyper-focus of cleaning, it's great, but getting started is hard; and then having to stop is hard.

Let's talk hyperfocus:

 

I am:

A writer

a Photographer

a teacher

a counselor

a mom

I have during hyper-focus times:

knitted

painted

quilted

cooked-a lot!

gardened

Baha'i teacher-Ruhi/year of service

(photography for 6 years so far)

parent of 3 kids

(and they somehow convinced us to have 4 dogs and 3 cats and a bird)

dove into sustainability things such as making soap!

So this is how I connect the blog that "was" to the blog that is "now"

Now:   Photography, Teacher, Mom, Artist.  Advocate. Feminist. 

Spiritual:  ?  I am a Questioner.  Lover of Nature.  I really find that "nature" is a reflection of what is "real"  in my heart and in "reality" of what is here.  Now.. but there is also magic.. so much magic in what we don't yet understand.

There is more than what we see.   Our eyeballs are limited.  Our senses are limited.

It's actually sort of Pagan.. what I feel inside-connecting with nature..   But.. this part of me is Baha'i too.   It is a HUGE part of how my brain is wired and perhaps at the heart of advocating for social justice.  (but)--   it's not all or nothing for me.   I am not ALL one thing or another.   There are "parts" of it that are NOT me.

Maybe I feel like there is a "Manifestation of God that is a Woman in the future or the past that I cannot comprehend yet" and that is who I feel drawn towards but I don't know her.  I feel like the women spiritual leaders that I want to know have been "ERASED" by history.  There must have been women who were there voice pieces of "God" Why are the ones we know about "Men?"  The line of Abraham.. All Male mouthpieces of God.  And sooo often made tools of oppression towards women. How do I have any kind of peace with that?  

It hurts.. literally hurts that religion is so MALE washed.   HE.. this and that.   

How can I feel close to God if "she part of spirituality is not mentioned or is erased .. or is assumed is "within the HE somewhere"?

So.. there is my individual investigation of truth.. and I feel like I am being subversive by saying it "out loud"

And saying it "doesn't matter.." or "I should just have faith".. "feels like a form of erasure too"

Gender..   This Generation Z and the questioning of the construct of gender.   It has permeated my Gen X brain.  

And .. guess what..?  I think that is a GOOD thing.  

Me: I am a white (a lot of Irish) CIS female, straight.   BUT--   I am starting to understand that there is "more than that" 

Not that any reality is an acceptable reality.

A reality that has the intention of silencing.. oppressing others.. having POWER OVER OTHERS is not an okay reality construct in my opinion.

ok, my hyper-focus on this is actually feeling satisfied right now and I will close here on this new path for this old blog.